Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Single is not a disease, please?

Ever since I can remember I never had an extreme desire to have boyfriends. It's strange because teenage years are the years to 'have fun'. I remember I had one kinda-boyfriend. I don't like to classify him as a boyfriend because we never actually went on a date. But this was when I was 14? I think. It was so insignificant that I don't even remember it only lasted about a month. It wasn't anything special and so I figured why deal with baggage and crap from guys when I know in the end I'll just end up getting hurt. For some strange reason I was really mature on the subject. I have no idea why, I suppose God was speaking into my life.

As I got older... I still wasn't finding anyone worthy of dating and so I never put much thought into and was happy being myself and single, no attachments. It wasn't until recently I noticed the last 2-3 years have been slightly focused on finding someone. I suppose that's just normal for anyone over the age of 18. I even looked at dating sites. I guess I must have felt that there was no interest in anyone I already knew and figured why limit God in the ways to meet someone.

What I didn't realize is that I became less happy with who I was... kind of basing my thoughts on "what's wrong with me? am I really not a good catch? am I ugly?". I know now that none of these things are true. But the ugly part was always a struggle for me. Even though throughout my entire life guys have told me that I'm "hot", 10/10... I wasn't completely sold on it. I suppose that comes from never hearing it from my Dad. I'm slowly learning with the help of God and my wonderful friends that my doubt on that is a lie from satan.

I recently really liked someone and I prayed so long and so hard about it. I was very confused. and I was confident in who I was/am today and so it eventually became public and it wasn't mutual. Now the point of this, is that I spent so much time in prayer that no matter what he said or though about it wasn't going to change my view about myself.

This moment in my life truly confirmed that I am confident in who I am and that I don't need validation from guys to be happy. I wasn't even in the slightest bit hurt. I knew that it was God's way and I was excited actually... about the outcome. I'm still excited. I know that somewhere is someone extremely amazing! more amazing then anyone I've ever known. And I look forward to it, for whenever it happens.

I think too often people run off feelings. Feelings are truly a dangerous thing. They get in the way of God's answers. I do believe that liking someone is not a good enough reason to date. I believe there needs to be more. I'm not sure what it is yet because I haven't found it... but I'll let you know when I do. I have even in the past turned down guys I actually liked back simply for the fact that I saw no long term marriage material. It's hard, but I think it's wise to step back and think about your future before entering into a relationship.

I am proud of myself, that I have found wisdom and guidance through God. And I will be happily single until God gives me the word. I have the most awesome friends and I think the more you accept that and the more you don't expect it... it will surprise you. Don't settle. Please. Love yourself enough to wait. :)